you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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