Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
