I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
