I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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