the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
