Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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