I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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