i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
