He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
