just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We just shotgunned beers for America
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
