Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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