I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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