i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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