We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
