Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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