On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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