so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
