Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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