I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
