i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
