The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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