Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
