were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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