dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
