The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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