You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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