the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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