that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
