I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
