Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
