I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
