Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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