Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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