before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
