Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
