she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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