i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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