I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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