she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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