I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
