were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
