just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
