Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
