Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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