I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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