My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I need a beard to bite.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize