I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
