Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
