Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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