I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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