So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
