She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
