My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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