I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
