btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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