It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's blow job season.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize