her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
