I am in a vortex of obligation.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
