How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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